It can be a nightmare scenario for anyone who’s ever hosted a holiday gathering: A guest who happens to be a loved one who drinks too much or indulges in illicit drugs, behaves boorishly and flips the festive mood of the party from “ho ho ho” to “no no no.”.
What can you do? What are your options? And what if you’re hosting them not only for a party or dinner, but for several nights over the holidays?
Tens of millions of people in the United States suffer from alcohol abuse and addiction, and their conditions affect their families and other loved ones. One study found that 32 million adults struggle with a serious drinking problem. And about 27 million people used illicit drugs, according to a survey.
Whether your holiday guest is struggling with alcohol or drugs is visiting for a few days and nights, or just for one event, there are strategies you can take to try to ensure the season isn’t ruined (or defined) by their behavior:
1. Set expectations before the visit or event.
Hosts should keep in mind they are in control of what goes on in their home. This authority shouldn’t be ceded to any guest. Be specific in spelling out boundaries on such issues — arriving to an event on time, not drinking or using drugs, dressing and behaving appropriately.
Let the loved one know that if he or she violates the rules, they will be asked to leave. If the person is staying at the host’s home for a few days, make it clear he or she will be asked to find alternative lodging if they break those rules.
2. Emphasize safety.
Some guests will drink excessively or abuse drugs even if they’ve been told such behavior won’t be tolerated.
If your guest drinks heavily at a gathering or is clearly impaired from drug use, don’t let him or her get behind the wheel. If they're staying at a hotel, arrange for a taxi or other car service to take them there. If they're staying with you, let them know when they have sobered up that they broke the rules and, though you love them, they must find another place to stay.
3. Make your home alcohol- and drug-free.
If you're hosting someone who's drinking excessively or abusing drugs, get rid of whatever alcohol or prescription drugs you have in your home. You can keep the substances in the home of a trusted friend or relative, or place prescription drugs in a locked box hidden from easy view.
You can also host alcohol-free parties and instead serve nonalcoholic beverages like apple cider. Plan fun activities such as non-drinking games like charades, Taboo or Pictionary.
4. Limit the drinking time.
If you know a house guest or someone coming to your party drinks excessively, offer nonalcoholic beverages and snacks instead of alcoholic drinks during the cocktail hour before dinner.
This will make it harder for your problem drinker friend to indulge. In fact, people who don’t drink or only imbibe socially won’t mind and may even find it a relief, given the amount of drinking that goes on during the holidays.
5. Consider meeting the substance abuser in a public place.
This strategy is a form of portion control. It limits your exposure to toxic people. It’s good not just for eating.
Gathering in a public place, like a restaurant, provides structure that can help cut down the odds of an alcohol- or drug-fueled debacle occurring. It gives loved ones of the person struggling with substance abuse the opportunity to leave at a time of their choosing.
6. Encourage your loved one to get help.
When you talk to your guest or visitor about your expectations, make it clear you care for their well-being and hope they think seriously about getting help. However, realize that the holidays may not be the best time to try to persuade the substance abuser to go to rehab.
But for some people struggling with alcoholism or drug addiction, the holiday season can be the best time for an intervention, since it’s a time when loved ones and people who are important to the person are gathered together. It might be that exact ingredient to finally persuade the person to get help. Addiction itself does not take a holiday.